a friendship split at the wrists

there's been times when you've pulled me apart, and others when i'm in one piece

2004-07-25T20:57:52Z

beautiful is a word i describe everything about you
you're that perfect match
and strike up the fire in my heart
it wasn't long before i knew
it's that warmth i've become so attached
i don't want it to get that hard
need is when you're not here
it's like a head without a mind
without either, nothing will go together
my eyes have shed every last tear
i don't want to miss you when i need to find
if this feeling will last forever

every night i've been dreaming of you
your eyes, your smile; all seem so clear
instead i'm only thinking of you
when i wish you were right here

look what's torn us apart
~~a friendship split at the wrist~~
i've wanted you in my heart
while you just resist
show a smile to show you still care
i broke you first, its time for me to hurt
while you're not standing there
i've tried to make this work
it's been harder for me to go a certain direction
falling off course has become permanent
my awkward approach to your perfection
how much this could have all meant
even if the sun stays up bright
there's always a rain cloud over my head
when will i see the sign that it's all right
not to feel so alone in my own bed

i am the damaged one, all my life and the damage done.

2004-07-20T01:18:43Z

Remember...this journal's friend's only.
Leave a comment and i'll consider adding you, unless you're just some anonymous person ;)
If you're already added.. you're here to stay.

kill me? i attack right back motherfucker

2004-07-01T18:36:43Z

ahhh i found this on a forum i go to... this is an awesome, but long story.. so worth the read.

Ah, Revenge
Monday, June 14, 2004

Some roommates steal, leave messes, or deposit strange water filled Ranch dressing bottles around the trailer, the purpose of which will forever elude my understanding. Sometimes, the same roommate will finish out the year owing me thirty dollars. Personally, I can deal reasonably well with the former, but goddamn I hate to lose thirty dollars.

With all hope of recovering said thirty dollars lost, I fell back on the crutch of passive aggression, and thus Revenge Week was born.

Knowing that Josh began finals in a mere five days, I decided that the first and primary aim of revenge week would have to be sleep deprivation. To this end my other roommate, Ty, and I hit the local drug and hardware stores to brainstorm, and so came up with phase one of the project.

We began by dissolving an extra large box of Ex-lax in water to separate the active ingredients from the fillers and wax coating. A check of the MSDS revealed that the active ingredient produced strong muscle contractions, and cramping, when ingested...and thus the wax seal was the prevent the ingredient from coming into contact with the digestive tract prior to it passing through the stomach into the intestines. The relevance being that the side effects of the purified ingredient included nausea, strong abdominal cramping, and severe diarrhea.

With the Ex-lax dissolved, I went to Walgreen’s to find something to help the pills along a little bit and after a bit of wrangling I got my hands on a bottle of ipecac. If you are unaware of the effects of syrup of ipecac, you have only to take a quick trip to the Poison Control Center's website to find out that it is a powerful emetic and expectorate. In layman’s terms, it causes cramping and vomiting.

As we dug through his food, a problem became evident: how do we control his dose? Our first impression was to just empty all of the boxes into random coke bottles and open jars, but then we realized the danger of overdose...especially if he ate from more than one source at a given time. To this end, we froze exactly one dose of ipecac into an ice cube with the intention of slipping it into his drink at a later time. Ex-lax is decidedly less powerful than ipecac, so we decided we could be slightly more liberal in its application.

First we planted the Ex-lax.

I found his mustard left out on our table, as it always was. We added quite a bit to the top of it, to ensure that it would all squirt out together with the first squeeze. Then, digging through the freezer, I came across an enchilada dinner...the very thing he assailed us with every morning at 3AM by using the microwave right outside our door and letting the greasy, processed smells find their way inside shortly after to give me dreams reminiscent of late-night puking and exhaustion. I spent over half an hour cutting at the sides with a razor, separating the plastic Shrink wrap from the tray, and slipping Ex-lax into the frozen refried beans, then using a lighter to reseal the Shrink wrap and glue to reseal the outside of the box. I placed it back in the freezer for the glue to get brittle, and began searching for something else, which is when my eyes fell upon his never long neglected jar of salsa on the top of the fridge. With the Ex-lax gone, we started looking for places to put the ipecac.

First, we dripped some onto a slice of bread from his loaf.

Then, we happened across a box of his cookies and soaked ipecac into the first four.

At this point, we had lost all hope of actually slipping the ice cube into once of his drinks, so instead I just dropped it into his bottle of PowerAde, along with a liberal chaser straight from the bottle, seeing as how I seriously doubted he would be drinking the whole thing all at once. Later, I ended up doing the same to his 2 liter bottles of coke.

It took about a day and a half for him to get into his food, but when he did the results were spectacular, and characterized by his sudden sprints from the living room and many a late night disaster as he awoke in the throes of something decidedly urgent. The cramping, shitting, and puking kept him home all weekend, and generally confined to the bathroom floor.

The humor of this entire thing is that while he was sick he didn’t eat, and thus thought he was recovering from food poisoning, or maybe the flu...but as he ate to regain his strength, it would all begin again, to our undying amusement.

The first phase was working well, so we decided to kick it up to phase two, seeing as how time was growing short. I made a trip to the hardware store for some fiberglass, which I then ground to a find powder and sprinkled liberally in between his sheets. We then made another trip to Walgreen’s for a bottle of Nair, which was added to his shampoo.

That evening as he went to shave and cut his hair, I resumed my program of harassment, which I had pretty much kept in effect the whole year prior. Every time he goes into the bathroom, he cranks the stereo in his room as loud as it will go so he can hear it...so every time I heard his electric razor go on, I flipped the breaker and killed his stereo. After about the fifth time of watching him drag his weakened body into his room to turn his stereo back on confused, tired, and sick, I felt that maybe he was onto me, so I let it go.

The next morning, he was a wreck.

The fiberglass crystals had worked their way into his skin during the last, restless night as could be seen in the massive, itchy rash he developed over quite possibly his entire body. He scratched uncontrollably, leaving bloody marks down his arms and neck. Hoping to soothe the itching, he went straight to the shower, only to "discover" his sudden hair loss.

As he went to the cabinets to find some soup or something to eat, he noticed that nothing was quite where he left it, a fact that seemed to elude him for the entire year previous to then; when I got bored, I felt the compulsion to reorganize his things in new, exciting, and confusing ways. He dragged himself cabinet to cabinet for ten minutes or so and then finally gave up: this time I had saved myself the effort and just ate his soup.

The culmination of all this effort was seeing him run full tilt out of his room, puke down the hallway wall and floor, and drag himself retching into the bathroom, where he puked so violently he shit himself, and had to drag himself back out for more clothes in front of all of us in the living room.

After a few episodes like that, he exhausted himself to the point of being able to sleep through the sickness. This could not stand.

I took the rest of my ad, and some Zantrec I had found earlier and relocated to the living room, which shares a wall with his room. There I settled in and began a 12 hour midget porn binge. I pushed the TV speakers up against the wall, cranked the volume all the way, and let myself sink comfortably into the somewhat nerve-rattling ambience. It was my hope and assumption that no one human could sleep, nor even allow themselves to relax, when faced with the gibbering shrieks of midget coitus, and my gamble proved itself right when he stumbled out and asked what the fuck I was doing. I replied that he certainly had no right to judge, and if was offended by the cruel hand the vertically challenged were dealt by the indifferent whims of God, he could shut the fuck up and go back to his room. He did, and it is my sincerest hope that he spent the night shivering and wide eyed at the spectacle he so briefly witnessed.

After all of this, I began to feel the slightest bit remorseful...I decided he deserved an explanation for the horrible luck that had so recently befell him. I found his full name, social security number, and phone number on some papers he had left laying in our living room and convinced someone, who will remain nameless, to make a call for me.

Josh, like me, gave blood at Bio-Life plasma, and was thus subject to the same strict blood tests as I was. Posing as a representative of the blood bank's lab, the caller informed him that his last sample had not passed the screening, and that his recent weakness, hair loss, nausea, and diarrhea was not a result of flu or food poisoning, but AIDS, and the only responsible thing left for him to do was to notify all recent sexual partners and wait for a letter being sent via registered mail to inform him of the procedures for a confirmation test administered by his primary care physician...a letter that would obviously never arrive. As he passed out from alcohol, I realized the joke was at an end. I was about packed to head home, and his finals began the very next day. By all estimates, he had not had a proper night's sleep in nearly a week, and it had been a good two days for me as well. I made sure he had all the quiet he needed to get some rest for what would quite possibly be the hardest time of his life the next day, and finished loading my car. As I looked in on him sleeping so peacefully, I flipped the breaker one last time, resetting his alarm clock. His room bathed in the blinking green of 12:00, I closed the door and walked out of the trailer for the last time.

Fuck you, Josh. Fuck you.

enjoy :)

But I take it like a man, you beg for mercy

2004-06-21T15:54:50Z

hooooooly shit. the past two days have been AMAZING. there isn't really any way i can describe it, it's been really funny; and a helluva lot better than studying for finals (cause i was done last week :P)

well, jump back to saturday...
-> it was sydney's graduation party over her house and i was invited. however i wasn't really sure who else was coming, and i definetly needed someone who was gonna make it the life of the party. who did i bring with me? drew. he already knew syd's older sister, but it's not like anyone would NOT allow drew to come to their party. you'd have to be an idiot, or tj camponelli.. whichever. the party was really fun and we got a lot of laughs. swimming for a little bit in the pool, going on a moonbounce, playing volleyball on the COLD COLD grass. it was awesome though.

Saturday - Syd's Grad Party

the guttman residence, volleyball net in sight and moonbounce in the far back(right)

just hanging out in the front lawn

bret driving to syd's in his quad, he was giving people rides up and down the street

the ladies, ya know.

then sunday.
-> the big day graduation and then one of the GREATEST parties, because there actually was enough for everyone to do to stay up til 5. graduations are self explainatory, so i'll jumpstart to the pictures, cause that's what you're all reading this for :P

Sunday - Graduation

we are waiting outside, "patiently", to get inside for the festivities.

still waiting; david in the front and pat in the way back

kevin and drew celebrating, even though it was before we went inside ;[

inside of the auditiorium, everyone seated

stage; with the principal, superintendent, and some choir in the back.. and our DIPLOMAS in the buckets.

we graduated! notice the tassels on the hats switched sides.. and its kevin again! with justin and eric next to him

scott striking a pose for the camera

graduated!!! HELL YEAH!! (l -> r) adrian, kevin, me, scott

so later on..
-> weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. then it only got better from there on. the up-all night was from 8:30 - 5. the theme to decorate the school had to do something with international stuff. because they gave up a "passport" with our senior picture and we had to get stamps from different locations in the school. i took beads and tried to do a mardi-gras kinda thing.. but no one flashed =/. i didnt get to do laser tag, but i spent a lot of time with what was in the gym. they had monster inflatable obstacle courses that you can have two people compete on. they had a bungee cord one, and another where you fight with huge batons or w/e, then one where you climb up a huge inflatable mountain. there was also bingo near the cafe, and inside of the cafe was nascar racing, a money grab machine, and food. duh. at about 2, there was a hypnotist who did a really awesome job with getting a bunch of people to do the funniest things. i got some pics of it with my camera and phone camera. ugh, then i needed sleep.. so i did.

Sunday - Up-All night

the bungee thing, really fun.

eating healthy, fruit and... jelly beans :P

obstacle course

sam was hypnotized to dance to the YMCA, and he did exactly that. he had NO idea he did that and almost went nuts when i showed him the picture after

i got other pictures that havent sent yet but its henry being a ballerina on stage and then joyce and tina doing disco. good times

ugh. that's all. and i've got work in 3 hours :[
i got 5 hours of sleep.. and i think some people decided on staying up.. i guess cause they could. either way, this thing BETTER save because im not doing it over again.

CONGRATS TO 2004!!!

ddduuhhhh.

2004-06-16T16:56:29Z

for all you people in berlin and haven't joined up the local community berlinhigh, i put something up that i really want everyone to see..</span>

</a></span>

</span>

If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, Post this same exact sentence in your journal.

when it all comes to an end....

2004-05-20T17:42:43Z

There comes a time when things must not be seen by everyone, and for that reason, I have turned over to Friends Only
Leave me a comment, maybe i'll add you..
If you're already added, you're here to stay.
we'll see how long this will last...

........

2004-05-19T22:10:52Z

:(
man.......

ahhh the show.. the show...

2004-05-19T03:53:06Z

got home not too long ago from the concert and i can barely hear, but that's alright :P
if you didn't know already.. it was 40 below summer,Flaw,Ill Nino and one local band opening up 'Trapnote'.

so Trapnote comes on.. ehh they weren't bad.. the only thing that ruined it was the volume on their vocals.. could barely hear the guy.
then 40 below came on.... mmmm they played songs like Taxicab confessions, F.E., Rope, Rain and a few others. this is when the crowd started to move around a little more.
Flaw comes up, and i'm sure a bunch of people in the crowd were fans, as well as Ill nino fans.. but Flaw comes on and thats when the moshing began. It wasn't any of that hardcore shit with the swinging of the arms.. also the security was watching 1/2 the time and actually stepped in to stop the moshing :/.. but it was still good. they played Recognize, Payback, Whole, Medicate, You've Changed, Only the strong, and some others.
fiiiiinally.. Ill nino comes on and the crowd is all pumped now, and a little tired :P.. pulled out the drums and everything and put on a damn good show. played songs like Liar, Lifeless Life, With you, I am loco, God Save us, Te Amo-I hate you, and some others.

all around a good show =)
thanks to molly for wishing me a good time andddddd when i got home...
mel7l2: ahhhh hope ur having the time of ur life

darkened eyes x: ahh
darkened eyes x: i hope you have fun!
darkened eyes x: i love you !!
darkened eyes x: <3

thanks <3 :)
(girls love to start off with 'ahh', eh?) =)

anyways, i need to shower cause i smell like cigarettes and i need some drugs for this cold.. GOOD NIGHT!

lost without you.. but does it even matter?

2004-05-18T01:29:32Z

raaaww- *cough* *cough* *sniff* -wwrrrrr
my bad.

the cold is slowly becoming more of a nuisance and it's starting to make feel drowsy.. and you know all the rest. i've got 4 days to rid of it =)
to be honest, i think this weekend will be more of a highlight for me then summer.. and that's just make big expectations (think of all the other times i had big expectations though :/)

2mor night is the concert.. RRRRRRRRRRRROOOOCK!... flaw ill nino 40below summer.. can't wait. it'll be tame compared to what's to expect for Ozzfest this year.. but i hope to mess around as well as getting messed up.. maybe :P

NYY 22 15
Boston 22 16
BOW DOWN!

it's nice to know my parents are oblivious to caller ID... the marines office called LAST friday and i just found this out today because i was going through the ID before i cleared out the calls.. grrrrreat. i was at work when they called and my parents weren't home yet.. but they usually check it, right? guess not.

today (including the cold) made everything seem sluggish, slow, or just plain tiring.. and i hate it. gym was alright because we stopped playing flag football, and went on with softball.. drew also played with us, in his 3rd gym class for the day ;p.

seems like prom wasn't all the exciting.. instead the whole thing about what happened at Chaduekiwitz's house WAS... considering Mike wasn't even there when it all happened. o snapppp. i actually think Ray deserved it.. he's one to always talk shit and never have enough to back things up.. and look where it got him.

i hate it when i'm a minute late for a class.. i have to get a late pass because the teacher is an insensitive faggot.. and i end up back at the class 10 minutes later with the late pass.. i don't get how that works.. i end up missing more class time by getting a pass that makes me later. meh.

i finally got done with doing 4 days of gnazzo's in a row.. OH and did i mention the whole name change to 'Roger's Marketplace' has already begun? ack. the carriages all have new labels on them.. i guess over the next few weeks, a lot of things are gonna be changed.. the new name is so homosexual it's sad. atleast i don't have much longer there anyways.

uhhhh what else, what else
*brainstorm*

oh yeah! last night on the trampoline was mmmmad fun, right sarah? mhm. also including the 3 1/2 hours of basketball i had earlier that day.. sundway was definetly a turn around from saturday.

i hope some good movies are on tonight.. because as much as i wanna get sleep, i just don't wanna cough in my sleep wake up with a sore throat.. so how am i supposed to be anticipating sleep when it's something i don't want.. :( nigga plzzzzzzzzz

that's all. BYE.

let me stand and get a look at you... seems beautiful is true, and i'm loving the view

2004-05-16T19:17:53Z

first off...
Car commercial gone wrong....
http://www.leksus.com/Videos/werbung.mpg
Turn your sound up high, because you can just hear the car behind the bush where it starts loosing control. And you hear the driver screaming for his life.

well.. another weekend.. came and went.. and of course, it didn't go as i expected it to go :/.. i'm just hoping the next weekend.. will go as planned, just ONE weekend to go right PLEASE :(
i didn't get to hang out with joe, or anyone else(for very long) because i called joe's cell.. and it was in his car :/.. so by 11 i talked to rory and he said i could come over.. by the time i got there, everyone was almost gone :/. jill had to go home and matt ponte had to go somewhere at 11.. so yeah, great timing once again.

of course, i didn't get to talk to someone when i wanted to.. really badly, i just need a chance to say something that i've been meaning to for a while now, and i haven't had an oppurtunity to do it. every time, or every chance i get that comes and goes, where i could have said something to her, i just get more pissed off at myself and everyone else.. it's not helping :/.. she's probably reading this right now and knows who she is.. and i'd like to just get one time with you, whenever, just to talk with you.. just to say everything that's been on my mind for so long because there's so much i want to change.. and i haven't been able to :(

it doesn't help that i'm slowly coming down with a cold.. weee. and another bullshit week of school, i used to hate school.. but i never used the word 'hate' strongly enough.. now i really mean it.. the same bullshit schedule and teachers i hate to even look at.. gaahh.

i love to bitch, that is all.

the more time goes on, the weaker i become

2004-05-15T19:58:18Z

:/ + :) = :|

getting out of school early = good
work @ 9 til 3 = mehhhh.
good night? = no idea

so everything is mixed up, and i don't know where things are going to fall. i talked wit mike p at work.. he's going through some messed up shit.. and i actually could use an experience of my own that related to what he's going through.. and it actually seemed logical and everything, except it wasn't what he wanted.. but it might happen.

he's been hanging out with a girl a few times and this weekend she was gonna be in boston and he called her a few times during the week.. one time they talked, one time he left a message, and then thursday he thought the last message was dumb so he made a newer one,etc etc.. and he thought he sounded like a psycho or something doing that, cause now she hasn't called him since and he's wondering what to do :/. i told him a story of someone who i was with, not answering calls..meh. if that girl had the oppurtunity to talk to mike.. why wouldn't she? i mean people have reasons but she could atleast tell him at anytime she didn't want to talk to him ever again.. he'd rather take that then be wondering what's going with this current situation. avoiding messes with people.. i'd know.(heh) but i think talkin with him made it easier for him to think.. and he neeeeds to sleep more, which he hasn't been. + we also talked about never having high expectations.. and if anyone knows me well enough.. they know i hate to expect anything, because it's just shit if nothing happens, and with ME.. i know not a lot does.

err.. so. yeah. no prom tonight.. maybe i'll chill with joe and find something to do, i'm not gonna let this night/weekend go to waste.. cause im getting tired of it ;/

i'm gonna go run soon, cause i've been doing it like everyday and it just gets easier for me.. i actually HATE doing it every other day because something will cramp up or hurt, which annoys me more than anything.

i haven't got my ticket for ill nino/flaw/40 below show yet.. should be here soon, and it's this tuesday.. been awhile since i went to a show.

only 14 hours of work this week, and most of it is on sunday and monday.. so the whooooole rest of the week is open til saturday morning/afternoon.. which isn't bad.

mehhhhhhhh.

so much going on...

2004-05-14T00:12:10Z

alright.

here's a rap

here's my rap and it's all about mel
an angel from heaven hotter than hell,
met my bro joe down at montawk
can't go without laughing whenever we talk
there's gonna be a sad look on her face
if she doesn't get a job at that bagel place
do you have a shower fear?
cause i can smell ya from here!
but she knows that im just kidding
and there's more i forgot to mention
she's the coolest jew i know
she was even gonna make a beach porno
loved by joe and a lot of her friends
like me, liz, carly - list never ends
so many nicknames Im gonna tell
there's cinna, jewlio and melmel
living in LI, she needs to make a switch
come to berlin and get away from that rhea bitch
it sucks mel can't come to berlin more
im definetly not going to the warped tour
but it'd be cool to go to LI, it all depends
how bout hookin me up with your hot friends?
im gonna get a lapdance just for this rap
i want it now, so i'll grab me a map
anyways, here's something that's whack
she says "brb" but never comes back
so much for promises she can't keep
she didn't return, instead went to sleep
damn you mel, go take your weekly bath
take a picture for evidence with an autograph
but i'll stop being mean
and say what i really mean
she's the best person anyone will meet
and the only friend you should keep

that i made for mel.. she wanted one and she got one.. im happy she likes it :)

something i wrote

it only took some convincing
for me to believe
that you're more addicting
than any drug will ever be,
if you left, i couldn't wait
it's hard to stand on my own
the very feelin that I hate
the feeling of being alone,
being a better person around you
i thought you'd like to know
my loving arms surround you
never letting go,
mezmorized by anything you say
an angel blending in blue skies
i tend to lose my way
looking into those beautiful eyes,
my heart can't take this fast pace
but i can live knowing i have this
don't let me lose sight of your face
you're comforting in every kiss

during law class, while i had my headphones on.. and i got yelled at cause i wasn't paying attention to bruno telling retarded stories.

this kid, paul, took one piece of work i wrote and put it on a picture he made.. not bad at all.

weeeeeeee.

give the best you got, giving up everything so you can never stop

2004-05-13T19:27:28Z

this heat is actually annoying.. the humidy atleast. how's it feel to take a shower, only to sweat right after driving yourself off? gahh
today was extremely short, with the accident thing and all, nothing exciting and nothing that i decided to go see :P
physics, i slept through part of it, listening to music/bowling on the cellphone.. but why would i wanna see a disney video on colors. meh.
gym consisted of nothing but going outside and insulting 1/2 of the people in the class

running this morning before i went to school was mixed as far as positives and negatives went.
+ i got a good workout, went to the CC for a little
- the heat.. it was almost 85 at 9 am.
+ listened to some good music, jamming while i was running ;p
- sweating constantly even after i showered.. ugh, ~~heat~~what happened to winter? :P

:sighs:
can't wait til saturday though.. im already glad im not going to prom but i'm gonna make sure that im 'busy' the whole night ;p.. who knows what'll happen.. but it's gonna be chill.

going through my desk, i found this old thing i wrote last year while i was in florida.. has a date on it and everything (4/13/03).. waste your time with this.

"With(out) you"

so this is what it's like
i never wanna feel it again
im just too sad to fight
im nothing til Im with you again
your love is not gone
and ive not lost mine
but i've made this song
and i'll wait for the time
(that i'm with you again)

my heart is not hurting
it just needs you to fill in the hole
the one made from our parting
but i'll wait for that call
feeling alone is the worse
but I wait for sunday
because i'll see you
and on that day
(i'm with you again)

Chorus:
these tears at night
drown out my sorrow
but it's sadness i fight
til i see you tomorrow
because it's you i miss
i want you against me
close enough to kiss
and then i can see
(that i'm with you again)

I feel nothing
because I can't feel you
i see nothing
but I want to see you
I want to hold you always
and stay by you forever
watch the sunset go
and the sunrise come
(just to be with you again)

Chorus x2

time passes so slowly
and I become empty
the love isn't gone
and it won't ever be
you're my better half
you make up for this space
it feels good to hear you laugh
and see the smile on your face
(I want to be with you again)

Chorus x3
atleast i've become a better writer since then, right? and that was a year + month ago, and i've changed with words and everything since then in what i write.. but meh, enough about all that.

congrats to sarah for passing the drivers test.. atleast she doesnt have to hide from her friends that she didn't make it.. because she did pass!

i got my ticket for ill nino/flaw/40 below summer.. can't wait to see them all again, it's been a few times for 40 below and ill nino, and second time for flaw.. last time i saw flaw, it was just days after i got my wisdom teeth out.. and i still went into the pit.. got knocked in the face a few times :)

erm. i want the AC on. now.

hrmm

2004-05-12T15:05:06Z

school is boring
thats why im stuck in law class typing this thing up for prisons and executions
i got john mccormack sitting infront of me and that bitch with the huge arm on the left of me.. im kinda afraid. ms val went whacko on me and stole my CD player but i took it back while she wasn't looking. bleeding through is soooooo good to listen to while you're in class doing nothing important. i've got study period next and then gym.. real ezzzzz

last period i did absolutely nothing, walked around the halls with mike vinci.. it was chill. then we played that dot game, where u make the boxes and such, on the board in the class. i <3 weds and it would have been nice to go to the beach in RI with nick and mike but i didnt because ive got work at 4.. meh.

:changes track to luti-kriss(norma jean) - pleasantly philadelphia:
yyyyyyyay.

nothing else for now. maybe if i want later, i'll type something during study.. but i doubt it.. byby

it's hot in hell's kitchen

2004-05-11T22:14:22Z

^^^^^^
aaahhh. :wipes sweat off self:

cure eclipse: fun running in this temp, isnt it :-!
hot2molly44: omg
hot2molly44: i think im dying
cure eclipse: yeah its pretty bad
hot2molly44: yeaa
hot2molly44: and we made the mistake to run up lower lane to my house
hot2molly44: yikes

exactly. it's HOT out.

enough about how hot today was.. LAST NIGHT was pretty good. since nick's parents are still gone, i went over there after work and we chilled for a bit. had a few disalvo fuck bombs, lol. matt p was there too. mike r showed up for a few mins and then left when i did. no one else was around or the ones who were didnt wanna come over :(.. nick's parents are back on thurs.. so tomorrow is the last night to do anything chill at his house.

school was still boring, got to go outside which was nice but now it's just too damn hot. :x.. peace and stay cool :)

now i've put up with this for longer than my heart can

2004-05-09T15:47:58Z

:rolls eyes:
time to look into ---> future
next weekend is like.. W I D E open for me. except the 9-3 thing on saturday, but psh. tell me at school/im me/leave a comment for ANYTHING to do next weekend, cause i'll do anything. really.

awoken by my cat licking my hand.. it was like 9.. so i guess it was hungry.. i'm just sooo excited about cleaning out their litter box too.. (Q: When do my parents come back? A: tomorrow!)

concerts.. hmmm.. concerts...
MAY 18
Ill Nino
Flaw
40 Below Summer
.. YES~!
JUN 11
Three Days Grace
.. *maybe*

and of course Ozzfest.

i don't really feel like doing anything today :/.. it's a gloomy day, and i wanna [fit in] with the weather.

i think i'll have a tic-tac that i stole from berlin pizza last night.. mmm orange.

my parents dont get back til tomorrow afternoon... and.. meh. it doesn't even matter that they're gone. i don't wanna over enjoy myself.. woooo . ok enough

i can not stop this ride
i am growing cold inside
i shouldn't let it slide
will sickness be mine?

i haven't found lyrics for the Flaw cd yet.. so that's my best guess at one of the songs.

ATLEAST I HAVE A SUPERDUPER NEAT NEW ICON

im bored, but i don't wanna do anything. wtf? yanks game better not get rained out.. cause then i'll have nothing to look forward to. meh. meh. meh. by.

Stalker Counter: 13

now for an announcement

2004-05-08T15:56:52Z

1.Go into your journal archives.
2.Find your 23rd post.
3.Find the fifth sentence.
4.Post the text of the sentence along with these instructions.

"Lauren3175: happy birthday matt!"

good memories.

also...i'd like to direct your attention to the following:

Stalker Counter: 12

it will be put at the bottom of every entry.. as the number grows higher and higher.. everyday. it's going to be a great thing.

i believe in you, i love you.. can you feel the air beneath our feet?

2004-05-07T18:20:58Z

:opens winamp -> Flaw - Medicate:

<3 dismissals.. been home for 3 hours already
work @ 4.. til 9 :(
but saturday night should be the GOOD one. with my parents gone.. i'll get all my best friends and some women over for some good times ;p.. if you're a girl, hot, and wanna join in the festivities.. im me :)

it's a really nice day out.. gym class was great.. the seniors know how to take down the sophmores in a game of kickball.. fo sho.
too bad the yankees lost last night though :(.. but they're doing a lot better lately then they were in the beginning of the year.

:changes mp3 -> Flaw - Many Faces:

there's a bunch of people who i wanna hang out with..inside, or outside of the state. i hope i get a chance to before i get shipped out.. and i don't wanna wait til summertime =/.. cause it'll be too close to when i gotta go.

:changes mp3 -> Flaw - ~~Recognize~~Endangered Species:

i bet everyone will be home soon.. isn't it a good and sort of weird feeling to be home and see everyone come online and such.. sounds kind of weird, but you see these things happen that you usually don't.. and it's kind of interesting :O

:opens mind:
your eyes take me to a place
that has been left unseen
now that i'm here
don't expect me to leave
delicate
i could break your smile
in the drop of a pin
you've felt for me
while i can't, but i want to
what's holding me back?
when i'm holding you in my arms.
i think this is taking me farther
than i want to be
but i can go anywhere i want
as long as you have me
:closes mind:

i really think drew almost spent his whole school day in gym class.. that's awesome.. he's a siiiiiick baseball player by the way. i saw him hit it and then get to third.. almost getting out. kid can really hit ;p

:changes mp3 -> Atreyu - Bleeding Mascara:

aaahhh.. bliss. you know you make me smile. <3

oh!! and when you reverse audio.. you realize that britney spears is a ~~slave~~slut!

never will you become something i can live with

2004-05-06T18:34:11Z

::aaah::
relief.

feels good to get some annoying shit off your back, huh?
well i definelty dealt with it the worst way possible.. by not doing anything.. but that's ok. why would i try so hard for something i never wanted to do? prom is dumb, i went through it already, and i get more benefits out of it by not going. ::phew::

anyways.. the rest of the day sucked because we lost in hockey.. having 2 of our guys leave early on because they thought there wasn't a game, the other team ended up showing 20 minutes later... ugh. so it was me, nick, brian, and billy.. yeah lost 2-0.. go us.

get the new atreyu CD when it comes out.. and flaw! just got a hold of them last night/this morning.. and they're both awwwwesome cds. <3 them. AND 96 hours of music.. oh man :)

:deep breath:
:exhale:
aaaah. good to be free for next saturday night :)

oh and sarah came up with a good idea...

"o man i just had an idea while i was brushing my teeth! i think i should have a lj-friends award thingy.. like the grammys only more lame! o and u don't get a prize. k ready?!? ok look thru my friends page and then vote for ur favorites in the following categories:

most fun to read:
most meaningful:
most depressing:
best pictures:
best user pictures:

yeah make up ur own categories too!
mhm vote for ur favorites but be annonymous cause its a SECRET!"

you heard her.. go do it. :P

puck you motherpucker

2004-05-06T02:51:30Z

hockey tomorrow morning...
steriod rrrrrrrrrage!
still 2-1-1.. after a month+ of being inactive
(gay CAPT testing + assemblies)

she's gonna pay up after tomorrow...

SaRaH MoSk3Y: lol NO
cure eclipse: yes
SaRaH MoSk3Y: u won't need it
-bullshit-
SaRaH MoSk3Y: aw im excited for u lol
SaRaH MoSk3Y: be a big boy
-EH-
SaRaH MoSk3Y: o mi gawsh
SaRaH MoSk3Y: these creme savors
cure eclipse: whhhhha
SaRaH MoSk3Y: are like
cure eclipse: god?
SaRaH MoSk3Y: heaven lol
cure eclipse: yeah well, i think nilla wafers are the greatest thing to be put on this earth and put into an 11 ounce box to be stored in a supermarket shelve
SaRaH MoSk3Y: hahah
SaRaH MoSk3Y: wut about reduced fat wheat thins???
cure eclipse: they just don't compare
SaRaH MoSk3Y: o
SaRaH MoSk3Y: yes they do
SaRaH MoSk3Y: damnit!
SaRaH MoSk3Y: we're out of lactaid..
cure eclipse: but you see, reduced fat wheat thins are kind of like heaven, just without the pearly whire gates.. you see.. there will always be a time when someone needs the crunchy, low fat taste of a cracker.. that's when you call on the reduced fat wheat thins
cure eclipse: btw, i've been told to do commercials
SaRaH MoSk3Y: lol
SaRaH MoSk3Y: lay off the crack

SaRaH MoSk3Y: woot woot
SaRaH MoSk3Y: she baangs she baangs
-speak for yourself :)-

end

i wanna download music.. actually i'm waiting.. cause mIRC is slow, but hopefully soon i'll be getting new demonhunter and flaw.. mmm
speaking of flaw... ill nino+40below summer+flaw on the 18th.. i MUST see.
and ozzfest.. of course.. coming later on.. and i'm deciding.. go to six flags for a school field trip.. or go to a show that's up in mass... killswitch engage, in flames, as i lay dying.. woooow. hard decision? doubt it.. i think ill go to the show.

peace.

why did it have to come to this?

2004-05-05T19:04:52Z

it's like pressure coming down on me.. i want to just let go and have everything just disappear.. so no worries.. but there are.. and it's killing me.

Show me how we end this horrid life
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfy an empty inside
That's alright
Lets give this another try

:(

having to pulled into something i don't want to do.. but when i really kind of do.. but i keep trying to make myself avoid it.. like i can't bring myself to doing it. ugh
i tried.. i really thought i did.. i just stood there.. wondering what was the next thing coming out of my mouth.. and it ended up being what i didn't need to say.. it wasn't what i was there to say.. and i'm such a fuckup for never doing anything.. i hate being so shy and everything. but once i get this over with.. and if she says no.. then well, i'm not going. that's it.
nick isn't even gonna be at the same table as john and mike.. i don't understand why.. but i'll be with john, mike, dan k.. that's if i can.. if not.. then i'm just a worthless idiot.. and if i didn't even try.. i'm a worthless idiot. same conclusion? yep.

i wanna feel like i have something to look forward to before i go to the marines.. something that is out of the ordinary.. but i doubt it. why do i constantly try to expect something when i know it's not going to happen.. yet i still feel like shit for never trying to expect it. am i making any sense? let me sum it up. I + hate = me.

:(

letting go of what i held on for so long

2004-05-04T23:43:50Z

another uneventful day of school.. ugh. so tired of the same 3 classes for 3 straight days.. and i know some kids who have a study for any of those.. and i hate them :O
well since today i didn't HAVE study.. i decided to type up a dismissal to get out around 1130.. worked like a charm and i was outtttta there :)
i really hate tuesdays.. and it wasn't any good from the start.. it dragged on til i thought i was gonna pass out.

finally got home, ran to the community center, worked out, ran back. picked up al+katie.. went to ~~tiffany's~~dairy queen.. katie getting this dilly bar.. it's like an ice cream bar with a nipple on it. so yeah! i dropped them off and then went to work. for some reason at work.. it was a really chilled day.. we were joking around and actually have a good time ( did i just say that??? ) and as the day went on.. it got better and better. but yeah im still glad to have gotten out :)

sometimes i wanna be like ~~i love prom, it's a good time and i wish it happened more often~~i hate you. basically.. i've told everyone who i talk to about it.. that i'll never be 'good' enough for anyone.. and anyone will turn me down.. it's true, and i'll accept it.. but instead of accepting it, i just won't ask so i dont have to go through the rejection. atleast this week is the last week to get tickets.. i have ~~a date, a tux, and tickets~~nothing.. while all my friends are basically ready except no tickets. they seem to have everything set for them.. like it comes easy. not I.. yeah, never me. i don't wanna be too truthful, but nick goes through a whole list of girls he know will go with him.. and john has his gf, mike has a new gf since saturday.. and.. me.. yeah :/.

illnino04: were loaded, but well pull up chairs n e wayz
not like i'll get to sit with my friends.. weeee

enough bullshit, i'm tired of repeating myself and i'm just looking forward to this weekend because my parents are gone from saturday to monday.. and i don't want the oppertunity to waste away... or i'll just not care about work, school, anything til marines.. so it'll be the only thing i look forward to :/

peace.

go at it, and give me a laugh

2004-05-03T19:57:27Z

have fun filling it out =P

Am I--
1. Quiet or Loud?:
2. Short or Tall?:
3. Weird or Original?:
4. Nice or Mean?:
5. Friendly or Selfish?:
6. Normal or "Special"?:
7. Smart or Stupid?:
8. Boring or Fun?:
9. Attractive or Unattractive?:

Do you think I'm--
1. A psycho?:
2. Athletic?:
3. A nerd?:
4. Ghetto?:
5. Two-faced?:
6. Obnoxious?:
7. Immature?:
8. Mature?:
9. Beautiful?:

Just some questions--
1. What do you think I'll be when I grow up?:
2. Do you think I'll get married?:
3. When is my birthday?:
4. Who is my best friend?:
5. What song reminds you of me?:
6. Do I remind you of any characters on TV?:
7. If you could rename me.. what would my name be?:
8. Have you ever had a dream about me?:
10. If you could give me anything... what would it be?:
11. If you could promise me anything... what would it be?:

Personal--
1. Am I physically ugly, average, decent, good looking, pretty, or hot?:
2. Would you ever kiss me?:
3. Would you ever consider being my friend?:
4. Do you ever think about me?:
5. If we spent a day together where would we go and what would we do?:
6. If you could describe me in one word, what would that word be?:
7. Do you or have you ever liked me?:
8. Do you want me?:

take this.

2004-05-02T19:30:05Z

______Your Life______
they call me: "matt james, bitch!"
also: james, mj, matty, mateo, james matt
sex: male
occupation: military/student
most memorable memory:
worst: getting lost in some places, at night.

_______Fast Forward_______
college planning to go to: no idea
wedding: on the beach, no need for family unless its neccessary :O
children: a few for each wife i have
looking forward to: summer.
NOT looking forward to: going to college after the marines training

_______Play_______
feeling: blah.
listening: earshot
talking to: my cousin
craving: MRE's
thinking: if school will suck hardcore 2mor
hating: that i didn't have a weekend, didnt see APC on friday

________Picky Picky_______
dog or cat: a pussy, shaved.
short or long hair: short, but oh well
sunshine or rain: sunshine
moon or sun: moon
basketball or football: basketball
righty or lefty: left
hugs or kisses: both
1 best friend or 10 acquaintances: one best friend
bf/gf or best friend: best friend
tv or radio: tv, both suck but radio is worse.
starbucks or jamba juice: neither
mcdonalds or burger king: neither
summer or winter: Summer
written letters or e-mails: letters
playstation or nintendo: playstation
disney or nickelodeon: snick
car or motorcycle: car
house party or club: house party
sing or dance: sing
yahoo messenger or aim: aim
google or ask jeeves: yahoo

_______Miscellaneous_______
can you swim: lemme see, i'll go tread water in my bathtub.
whats your most embarrassing moment: i'd try to forget them.
whats under your bed: a whole lotta nothing.
worst fear[s]: lonliness
what is your greatest accomplishment: getting into the marines.
what kinda roof is over your head: ..huh
do you like tomatoes: sure
how many TVs in the house: 3
how many phones: 4
last dentist visit: forgot
last phone call: idk

______My Looks______
hair color: brown
eye color: brown
height: 5'9
do u wear contacts or glasses: neither, SOMETIMES glasses.
do you have any piercing: no
do you wear any rings/jewelry: necklace
do you have a certain fashion you follow: khakis? sweatshirts?

______Just Lately______
how are you today: ok
what pants are you wearing right now: shorts
what does your hair look like at the moment: like hair
what is the weather like right now: rain.
last person you talked to on the phone: idk
last dream you can remember: going to the prom and fucking up
what time is it: 3:23

______More About Me______
if u were a crayon, what color would you be: blue
What's the next CD you are going to buy: buy cds?
The best advice ever given to you: idk
Have u ever won any special award: no
What's the stupidest thing you've ever done: falling for people too quickly.
Shampoo: idk
Do you have your own TV: yes
Do you have your own phone line: yes
Do you have your own computer: yes
Have you ever broken/sprained/fractured a bone: probably
Who do you tell your dreams to: if they're funny, tell my friends
Who's the loudest friend you have: justin
who's the quietest friend: idk
Is cheerleading a sport?: no
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop: 60 something

______Me And Love______
Do you have a crush: not really
Do others find you attractive: doubt it

______Pick One: This Or That?______
Lights on/off: Off
Do u like scary or happy movies better: Scary
Backstreet Boys or NSYNC: neither
On the phone or in person: person
Paper or plastic: ... how'd u know i work at gnazzos?
Sausage or pepperoni: sausage.
Chocolate or white milk: chocolate
Root Beer or Dr. Pepper: dr pepper
Glass half full or half empty: empty
Tape or DVD: dvd
skiing or boarding: boarding
Cake or pie: pake
Diamond or pearls: diamonds are forever

_______My Favs._______
Color: nigger black.
food: sushi, chinese food, italian
Beverages: diet soda + lime ;p
ice cream flavor: phish food
Sport: basketball, football, hockey
number: 13
Radio station: sucks
Band or singer: maynard j. keenan
Actor or Actress: jennifer love hewitt
Fav. day of the year: idk
Teacher: scannel
Qoute/Lyric: anything i've written

____________Have You Ever?____________
Wanted to kill someone: sometimes
Broke the law: yeah
Ran from the cops: i was chasing after them
tried to kill yourself: no
Made yourself throw up: no
Made yourself cry to get out of trouble: no
What time is it now: 3:29

Edit:

damage can be done, and it's been dealt with
i believed you were that very gift
storing you inside of my arms
now i've put up with this for longer than my heart can
my dreams can't help but just suffer
every emotion for you has disappeared
this is exactly what i feared
the one true thing i could rely on
i will die from
a picture of mistakes i made in sketching you out
there isn't a last chance to erase
there isn't any solution to trace
the frame will always stayed crooked

i hate who i am, and who i've become
thinking it was something to easily heal
still, why does my skin feel so numb
i cut to make sure everything is real
i look into your eyes, expecting to see what i used to
now they don't seem to shine like i knew
i hate myself for making my past kill who i am now
i've pushed away everything only to bring me down
either way, there's nothing that i can get
to make me feel better for my regret
for whatever made you upset
i'm willing to bring the past back and make the present forget

why is there still a bullet left in the gun?
i have yet to unload the last one
i'm ready to leave this disgusting place
when i have a disgusting face
only rainy days cheer me up more
you're not something worth waiting for
here is my last day on earth my lovely
lick the blood just to remember me
i'm going to die and you have no plans
but praying will only sprain your hands
god has nothing to do with this shit
and i'm glad i won't have to live with it

Also, here's some things you SHOULD be watching.. and you SHOULD already have a launch.com account, because they're amazing.
1. Slipknot - 'Duality' video.
2. Breaking Benjamin - 'So Cold' video, but wait for the other page to come up and you can figure out the rest.

Can you get out of this room? it'll help when you're bored tonight.

good quality stuff, enjoy. ::cheers::

time doesn't pass, it works backwards and kills the noise

2004-05-02T01:32:24Z

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. yeah
so the last entry, yeah i haven't done anything yet.. i feel like a dick but i don't know what to do.
but forget that for now, my day was a little more interesting than that.

this morning i had to get up at 6ish to leave with sean to go to the marines office in hartford, to take a bus up to the MEPS building (place i was a few weeks ago) to do a Pool Field Meet. basically everyone who was recruited in the hartford area, who hasn't been sent out, was asked to attend.. so we had 54 guys in our group.
our group joined up with 5-6 other groups to do different events for the meet. the different events.. mile and 1/2 run, pull-ups, crunches in 2 minutes, a fireman run (holding a guy over ur head and running, then u switch off and run back), a tug-a-war, and the less-competitive / more funny.. izzy dizzy..(you have your meal and then 20 minutes later you do the izzy dizzy, where you run to a baseball bat, spin 10 times and run back.. lol the people falling was great).
so we got up there around 8 or 9.. i didn't know the time while i was there.. but w/e. the only event i did was the mile and 1/2 run.. 5 guys from each group ran.. and i ended up getting 9:10 which is complete shit to me, but i did finish first out of my entire group, which is something to look up to. i think overall i finished in the top 10.. about 7th? im guessing here.

so as the events went on.. we didn't do too bad but it wasn't good enough to get awards in the end, because we never finished first for anything..meh. it happens.. but we definetly werent the worst out of all the groups. me, henry and tim, and a bunch of other guys in our group were crackin jokes at the springfield poolie group because they tried to act all macho but they were all 21 or so old and they would wear cleats and gloves for the tug-a-war while we had none of that.

still it was a fun thing to do.. but i wish i didnt have to sit around for so long, i never got to do another event. i got a lot of positive comments for the effort i put in the mile 1/2 run, which was good. so it wasn't a bad day at all.. except my ALARM DIDNT GO OFF THIS MORNING. that's all ;p

i came home, late for work (boo-hoo), and worked 530 til 9, it was easy and now im kinda bored but filled with energy.. i wanna run. idk! but that's it and there goes my weekend =/!